Prayers and Thoughts to NIU
My thoughts and feelings about this are all kind of jumbled up. It makes me really confused, but I feel if I write down my thoughts, it might help my thought process, so please bare with me.
When I first heard about the shootings, I was in the Bookstore on campus, I didn't know I was hearing about shootings. I only half payed attention to what was being said on the radio they had playing, I feel absolutely horrible I didn't pay more attention. When I finally did get online and I saw the facebook groups, and the video clips from news, and tweets...reality hit. But it wasn't reality, exactly...it was a little less than a year ago, April 16th that was hitting me. So it made me so confused as to why I was re-living that, when I knew a long time had past...this wasn't our school being talked about. It was Northern Illinois University...a gunman and busted into a classroom in session and started shooting from the stage. Why?! Why another school? Why and how is this happening again? I would never wish upon another school what happened to us last year. And it makes me feel horrible that their experience makes me go back to our experience. I want to grieve for them, and be there for them. But it is so hard when our wounds have not healed. So as hard as I tried to focus on them, I kept going back to April 16th. A place I have no interest in re-living, and yet I know the media will make sure we re-live it on the one year anniversary. But I'm prepared for that, not today. Not on Valentine's Day, when I was out celebrating my relationship with Kevin and having fun and laughing, being totally oblivious as to what happened. Also, headlines keep saying 5 dead. No, it's four dead, anyone who goes into a crowded class room and starts shooting does not deserve to be recognized as dead or alive. Same goes as for that ass hole who did the shootings here. I just get so angry to think how could someone kill innocent people?! How did the Holocaust happen?! How did no one know it happened until after hundreds of thousands had already been killed? How can someone chain doors and slam into classrooms of students learning to better their futures and kill them?! How can some random guy go into a class room and shoot into the audience?! WHY? I don't understand it. I also don't quite agree with people saying, "Because people were so nice to us and did this and this for us then we should do it for them." Why can't we send them cards and our condolences anyway? If April 16th hadn't happened, would we not do that anyway? I just don't like them just using the memory of April 16th as an excuse, we don't need an excuse.
Anyway, that all was probably super confusing but I needed to get it out of my head. Maybe I can read it in the morning and try and make sense out of it then. I thank God for Kevin, because without him I don't think I would have been as composed as I was this evening...he really helped me, and I really appreciate it. He made me smile when I was really upset, and that's a huge accomplishment. Plus he showed me a great Valentine's Day night. I guess sometimes I just don't know how lucky I am!
Thanks for listening...or reading...or whatever.
My thoughts and Prayers are with the Huskies tonight.
~Taylor~